Book Review: The Courage to Be Disliked

Reading this book might actually make you more likable.

My friend Zach recommended this book, and I love self-help psychology texts, so I was excited to read it over Christmas. I use a lot of the key ideas / frameworks listed below on a daily basis now, so it was a great suggestion. Thank you, Zach!

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The Courage to Be Disliked is a compelling book with a timely message: we are responsible for our choices, attitudes, and relationships. In an age increasingly shaped by cynicism, it offers a clear antidote to 21st-century nihilism.

Based on the ideas of Alfred Adler, an Austrian psychotherapist and contemporary of Freud and Jung, this approach insists that change is possible in the present moment, not after resolving the past. Adler’s psychology demands courage - and this book provides practical guidance on how to cultivate this virtue.

And despite the book’s title, these ideas may actually make you more likable.

The concepts require reflection. I read the book, then listened to the audiobook to really digest the arguments. In this review, I’ll outline several key ideas, offer examples, and share my own reflections on the text.

Overview:

The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga introduces Adlerian psychology. Adler famously rejected many of Freud’s core assumptions, particularly the idea that past trauma rigidly determines our present lives. Instead, Adler’s psychology emphasizes personal responsibility, choice, and courage.

The book has sold over 3.5 million copies worldwide and is especially popular in Japan and Korea. More recently, it has gained popularity in the West, which signals an appetite from readers to find a practical philosophy for some of the challenges - social media anxiety, trauma-culture, imposter syndrome - of our age.

“All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems”

At the heart of Adlerian psychology is the assertion that all psychological problems are interpersonal relationship problems. According to Adler, anxiety, depression, and unhappiness largely stem from our relationships with others, or more specifically, from how we believe others see us.

We worry about being disliked, rejected, or judged. We fear not being good enough. As social beings, we crave belonging and approval, and much of our behavior is driven by this desire.

Adler argues that suffering arises when we become overly focused on other people’s opinions and attempt to control how we are perceived. The more we seek validation, the more trapped we become.

This idea is provocative because it reframes emotional pain not as something that happens to us, but as something we choose because of our priorities and choices.

Focus on Your Life Tasks Not Others

Adler proposes that life consists of distinct “life tasks,” which include work, family, friendship, and community. Each person is responsible for their own tasks, and problems arise when we interfere with tasks that are not ours.

For example, worrying excessively about what others think of you is a form of task interference: other people’s opinions belong to their life tasks, not yours. While this idea sounds simple in theory, it is difficult in practice.

Example:

The book illustrates this through a workaholic. Adler argues that such a person may be avoiding other life tasks, such as intimacy, family, or community, by over-investing in work. In this sense, work becomes a strategy for avoidance rather than fulfillment.

This reframing is one of the book’s strengths. It challenges socially rewarded behaviors and asks the reader to consider what they may be using productivity, busyness, or ambition to avoid.

Horizontal vs. Vertical Relationships

One of the most compelling frameworks in the book is Adler’s distinction between vertical and horizontal relationships.

Vertical relationships are hierarchical. They involve power, judgment, and control, often expressed through praise, criticism, or authority. Examples include traditional parent–child or boss–employee dynamics.

Horizontal relationships, by contrast, are built on equality and mutual respect. They emphasize encouragement over praise and recognize the separation of life tasks between individuals.

Adler argues that even in relationships where differences in age or expertise exist, we should strive to interact horizontally rather than vertically.

Example:

Instead of commanding a child—“You must do your homework”— a parent might encourage responsibility while respecting the child’s autonomy. The goal is not control, but cooperation.

This idea exposes how often “helping” others is actually a way of asserting superiority or control.

The key lesson here is to avoid tactics that create vertical relationships with others; for example, “good job” can create distance, whereas “thank you for helping” sees someone else as your companion.

We should all strive for horizontal, not vertical, relationships to feel connected with others.

Teleology vs. Etiology

Another central concept in the book is Adler’s rejection of etiological thinking—the belief that past events directly cause present behavior. For example, my parents divorced, therefore I cannot have a successful relationship.

Adler instead proposes a teleological framework, which focuses on goals rather than causes. From this perspective, past experiences matter, but they do not determine the present. What matters more is what we are using those experiences for.

Example:

A young woman who blushes around the man she admires. She believes her blushing prevents her from forming a relationship.

Adler challenges this interpretation, suggesting that the blushing serves a purpose: it allows her to avoid the risk of rejection.

In this view, people often choose suffering because it protects them from greater fear. This idea is unsettling and also revealing. It reframes symptoms not as defects, but as strategies.

Inferiority and Superiority Complexes

Adler also explores how the stories we tell ourselves shape our lives. Both inferiority and superiority complexes, he argues, are defense mechanisms designed to create distance from others.

An inferiority complex, the belief that one is inherently less capable, can serve as an excuse to avoid effort or vulnerability. A superiority complex, on the other hand, masks insecurity by asserting dominance or importance.

Though they appear to be opposites, Adler suggests they are two sides of the same coin. Both prevent genuine connection and self-improvement.

This framing challenges the reader to question whether self-criticism or arrogance might actually serve the same protective function.

Criticism:

Rather than presenting Adler’s ideas as a textbook, the authors structure the book as a Socratic dialogue between a philosopher and a young man over five evenings. This conversational format is intended to make complex psychological ideas more accessible, while also allowing the reader to witness resistance, frustration, and gradual insight unfold in real time.

This structure is hard to follow at times and incredibly repetitive - the young man is very annoying in his challenges to the philosopher. I would like the dialogue to be much tighter throughout the book.